A good game spoiled

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 Picture a beautiful spring evening, sunny and not too warm. A great game is being played between two evenly matched U12 teams. While this is a game between two recreational teams, many of the players from both teams would be comfortably playing at the academy level. The game is close throughout and late in the second half one team breaks through and scores the only goal. As the director of this program, this is really the best that I can ask for in terms of player development and having an environment where players are challenged to do their best and grow from the experience. 

Unfortunately, because of scheduling issues brought on by spring weather and a chronic lack of referees in youth soccer, I am also refereeing this game. In my job description, this falls under "other duties."  Each season, I end up refereeing a few games and usually it is not a problem. My coaches and parents generally understand how they are supposed to behave and even if they don't normally act that way, they do when I am around (the halo effect). This time, I had to come to the park from home. I was not in the best mood when I got there, but I was determined to do a good job. 

The adults were happy when I arrived because that meant that the game would be played, but as the game went on and the intensity increased, so did the pressure on everyone involved. I did a pretty good job refereeing, but not perfect. I first started hearing the coaches question calls and then parents started doing the same. Eventually, the players followed the adults. I had to talk to two players, each of whom was directly asking for calls to be made against the other team. Each team's coach directly challenged me after I made a call. Each time it happened, I asked them if they would rather referee or coach. I don't think either of them had ever been asked that question. While they didn't really consider their response, it felt like they thought it was their obligation to try and work the referee to their advantage. It is also a behavior they had obviously used in the past and not something new that they just started doing. 

The great game on a beautiful evening ended and I asked the parents to come over so I could talk to them about their behavior. As you can probably guess, it was not received well. But as I was talking to them, one of the players who was on the opposite sideline said negative things about me so loud that everyone could hear it. The exact thing I wanted to avoid had happened. I understood the emotions that the player was feeling and don't blame him specifically, but the environment was created by the adults and the player modeled the behaviors he observed from the adults around him. 

As I drove home, I  wondered what would have happened if we had had a 15 year old referee this game instead of me. What if it had been one of the parent's older children? How would that parent have felt if he or she had witnessed this treatment of their child? Why do we continue to struggle with adult behavior in youth sports? 

I have been director of this program for 12 years now and I thought that parent and coach behavior was improving, but still not great. I have written about this in numerous other blog posts, so this isn't new territory for me other than I experienced through the eyes of a referee. This morning, I came across a tweet that seems like a great way to end this essay. I have included the picture below. 


Parents- the next time you go to see your child play, remember that you are there to enjoy the experience. There are not an unlimited number of games for them to play before they grow up and you don't want to waste them. Please keep that uppermost in your mind and keep your mouth shut the next time the referee makes a call that you don't agree with....

Comments

  1. UnknownMay 7, 2021 at 4:38 AM

    I’ve watched fiery situations between coaches and parents completely dissipate when Coach Murnan walks up to a field. Think pitchforks and torches mob turn flash mob. U12 recreation games were what drove my 16 yr old from refereeing after one season. He felt that there was too much on the line and “the parents AND coaches were way too over the top.” He preferred a minimum wage job over refereeing. As a U12 girls recreation coach at the time, it forced me to evaluate where my attention was focused on the field. I could not have been prouder than when my son was on the field. I could not be more embarrassed for soccer as I listened to coaches and parents, my immediate prior coaching self included. We need these referees. And they will be rough around the edges to start. Get them through a season or two and you will naturally have better referees who will turn into excellent referees. Then Coach Murnan can hang up his referee whistle for good.

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